Letting the words fall out - Part Two

I'm sad and my heart is heavy.  I  saw a rape joke on a FaceBook page that I have followed for years and has never triggered me before; it's been a safe place. It blindsided me and upset me. I replied on the thread where the image was posted  - I addressed the person who posted the image in an attempt to start a dialogue to raise awareness about how painful it is to see other people mock and laugh at my (and every survivors) pain. Almost every man that I have discussed this with (and a few women) believe emphatically that anyone who can't laugh at a rape joke is just "too sensitive".
I knew it was likely that someone would respond that way when I posted what I did. I just really didn't think it would be the guy who ran the page. It's more difficult when it comes from someone  that I thought would actually care that their page triggered me. I tried to offer an alternate perspective (that of a survivor with PTSD) and felt I was very respectful about it. I sent him a direct message after there was no acknowledgement to my comment but he had replied to others and to let him know why I was "unfollowing" him. (These parenthetical , italicized additions are my reactions, but not something I got to share with him since he blocked me from replying after getting out everything HE wanted to say and  I guess not liking my replies) 

The message I sent him:

ME: You often post musings about why someone unfollows you - I will tell why I just clicked the unfollow button (and will be stopping the automatic monthly donation I have been sending) so there is no need to speculate. Your actions: Clicking on like on the rape joke pic and then clicking unlike after I posted my issue with it, and your inaction: failing to address it in any way (pm me and/or remove the image are 2 examples). If you are comfortable having images/"jokes" like that on your page then I am not comfortable being there.

ZD: I've been traveling -- and this is obviously something you are super sensitive about. (Making an excuse and then blaming me for being triggered. Saying someone is "super sensitive" is just another way of saying "It's not that bad" which is one the worst things to say)  I didn't interpret that image to be a "rape joke", nor do I think most naturally would. (So - if most people wouldn't see it that way then I shouldn't have a problem with it either?  This belief is also completely dependent on the company you keep and the people you expose yourself to.  If you exhibit through your words and actions that you condone something then people are more reluctant to share their dissenting opinion, so this speaks volumes about him, IMO) If it isn't a joke about rape, then I guess it could be called an allusion to rape, a trivialization of rape, the objectification of women by literally comparing them to an object to be empties and broken or a misogynistic joke -  none of which are ok by me.)  However, someone sensitive to such things would -- and I can clearly see how it could/is [SIC] interpretted that way. Which is also why I removed my [SIC] life from it.  (He meant "like") However, I have had a number of issues when trying to moderate things from my phone, (Another excuse, still no apology) therefore I chose to wait until I was able to do so from my laptop. Which I've been on for all of about 30 minutes now -- and have been tied up with non facebook related admin stuff. (If he understood PTSD, I think this would have been more of a priority for him to at the very least send me a message or give me a call - he has my phone number because I offered to listen when he was going through a difficult time. I don't have his or I would have been happy to have a telephonic discourse . Even a message saying that he will address it even if he couldn't feasibly do so at the moment would have gone a looooong way.)  So I do apologize  (Oooh - finally an apology?!)  for not dealing with an issue you are obviously sensitive about in a timely fashion or a manner you saw fit. (When an apology includes that many qualifications, it negates any meaning the apology may have intended. Basically - I'm sorry YOU have an issue, but it is YOUR FAULT for being sensitive about it. Blaming me for being too sensitive in the guise of an apology - disgusting - that is not an apology. An apology is " a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure. ". 
That doesn't mean I wasn't going to address it. (Back to defensive.)  I appreciate your feedback, however. So thank you. (Every statement of his  preceding this one indicates my feedback counts for absolutely nothing since it is all because I am "super sensitive".

ME: The assumption that most people don't see the description of assaulting a clearly female and clearly resistant ("I couldn't make him stop, I couldn't yell or scream") victim (which only in the last line is discovered not to be human as the prose suggests) as a problem IS a problem and the wording seems very clear that it is implying rape.

ZD: I've refunded your 2 last payments. That's as far back as I can go. (Money is the last thing I wanted out of this emotional transaction, a refund hadn't occurred to me, I just stopped the future donations because I do my best to "put my money where my mouth is".)  And I am aware that is IS a problem. (ALL evidence to the contrary - if you are aware there is a problem then why are you perpetuating it?)   No need to lecture me. (Lecture, Really? Just a minute ago you valued my feedback and now that I have disagreed with your perception of rape culture, I'm lecturing? FFS.)

ME: Being "super sensitive" is a valuable quality depending on your point of view. Starting out with blaming language towards me for being super [SIC] senstive doesn't seem like you are aware 


ZD: I take issue with the fact that you think that it is something I am "OK" with. (That is generally what it means when someone clicks that Facebook "Like" button) And rather than open up a discourse with me to address it,  (I addressed the person who posted the image on a thread YOU posted on a page YOU operate in social media -wouldn't that be considered opening up a discourse? ) you chose to make it personal (Maybe if you went home from what was supposed to be a date with your ass bleeding from being forcibly sodomized you would take people laughing about it a tad personally, too) and disconnect from me as a means to deal with it. (Removing myself from places and situations that trigger me is a HEALTHY thing to do. For you to expect me to stay in a community that posts such harmful material further indicates your lack of empathy and understanding of the situation. ) All you had to do was talk to me. (So you could tell me that I'm being "super sensitive"? Yeah, that was not helpful.)
 ZD: You really took a leap of bad logic there.  (Not according to professionals who are actually familiar PTSD)

"In regard to external triggers, we can take some steps to manage our environment (for example, not going to certain places that we know will trigger us)"

ZD: And gave me not a shred of the benefit of the doubt. (When you clicked "Like" on such an offensive image, didn't click Like on my response to it or acknowledge my issue in any way but took the time to reply to someone else on the thread after my post, you -quite reasonably in my opinion - lost the benefit of the doubt. )  ZD: Again, I apologize that I didn't deal with matters as you saw fit. (For anyone looking to issue a meaningless and insincere apology, that line conveys that message perfectly. )
ZD: Good luck to you. (Again, with everything else that he said in this message prior, this reeks of insincerity.)

When I tried to reply i got the notification that he had blocked me. He has removed the picture although I'm not sure why since he didn't see the problem with it, and didn't think " most naturally would. " 

The entire conversation was so contrary to the public image he presents of himself and what I have seen of him online over the last few years and the inspirational quotes and images he posts. He takes the time to graphically enhance wonderful quotes, many of which I agree with. I have learned, however, that people show you who they are by their ACTIONS not their empty words.  If he had taken his own advice or lived by the content he was posting I think the conversation would have been very different. Maybe he would understand that I was coming from a place very similar to this: 

Or if he had actually been coming from this point of view:

"Letting the words fall out..."

The sun is coming up, the birds are tweeting and my body starts to release the tension that is keeping me from sleeping at night. And then, on what I considered to be a "safe" page on facebook - I saw this image:

I have only been able to sleep during the night once -last night- over the last 3-4 weeks because of the PTSD flashbacks and this topic enrages me on a good day. Performing in comedy for a few years (stand up and improv) this is something I encountered a lot and for many years I just sat silently, swallowing my rage.

I finally spoke up after a joke about rape was made in an improv show billed as "family friendly", but it still took me awhile. I sobbed all the way home after the show and then gave myself a very short hair cut that night, which is a pattern I have of trying to make myself less attractive when I feel threatened) I spoke up about it in the discussion forum for the group; I was belittled, criticized and ignored, as was everyone else who disagreed with the co-director.

I joined the troupe in 2004, performed actively for years, supported from the audience when I wasn't performing and yet when I raised my concern the co-director (who joined the troupe after I did,  FWIW) told me that if I had an issue with the way they did comedy that I shouldn't be there. Oh! I remembered I actually have the file since this was a conversation on a forum so I can quote him directly. Keep in mind, this troupe is an actual business with donors and paying customers - it has taken all of my will power not to review them honestly and accurately on their facebook page, yelp, etc. (Which wasn't helped whenI saw an entire album  on their page of photos I took of the players that they didn't bother to give proper photo credit for, but, I digress...)

"If you have a filter that may get agitated, be warned. Those lines are crossed all the time.... ALL THE TIME..... If you can not handle that, then improv may not be the form for you. " 

Which is complete and utter bullshit. Comedy can be done in a number of ways, some prefer to work "blue" and that's their choice, but it is not in anyway indicative of improv as a whole. Jezebel had a great article about this:

the best comics use their art to call bullshit on those terrible parts of life and make them better, not worse.

This taught me that some people value defending their actions more than examining the motivations for them and that my loyalty to the troupe wasn't valued - by the co-director who told me to leave or the Executive director who demonstrated how little my loyalty meant by failing to address it at all. Ever. It happened  last summer and still not even an apology. I have already lost some friendships over the issue and I have learned that if someone doesn't understand how harmful words -especially words that trivialize rape- can be then they don't belong in my life.  I am actively working to overcome the traumas of my past and keeping company with those that trivialize my pain just doesn't make sense. That lesson enabled me to speak my truth in today's situation immediately (and not shove it down like I used to) and with less fear of losing "friends".

So this was my response to the "funny" beer picture:
I understand that in American culture making fun of rape has become popular and that critics of such "jokes" are usually criticized for being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke. That is a risk I am compelled to take in this case. The image you posted describes a violent rape in detail (not to mention comparing women to a beer bottle to be used & broken). I have always considered (name redacted)'s page to be a safe place but to me (and likely to the 1/4 women who have been sexually assaulted) reading that image was a huge trigger. I implore you to consider re-reading those words from the point of view of a rape survivor with PTSD and keep in mind that an American is sexually assaulted every two minutes. (http://www.rainn.org/statistics)
"He grabbed me around my slender neck
I could not call or scream
He dragged me to his dingy room,
Where we could not be seen.
He tore away my flimsy wrap,
and took upon my form.
I was so cold, damp and scared,
While he was hot and warm.
His fervent lips he pressed to mine.
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
I couldn't make him stop.
He made me what I am today. "

Love or Hyperbole?

I want to get back in the habit of writing regularly, even if it's not for the book. I'm hoping that doing so will help me get to a place where I can return to writing the book and still be able to sleep at night but I'm guessing as to how to get there...

Exhausting day so far - had my second counseling session (on 2 hours sleep) and I really like this therapist. She's kind, encourages me to be gentle with myself (especially while I'm going through this) asks good questions and from everything I have seen so far - she knows her stuff!! She's big on explaining the scientific and biological reasons  that our minds work the way they do - which happens to be one of my very favorite topics! Unfortunately she finishes her internship there next month so I will have to switch to another therapist. This was standard practice at another agency I used to go to,  the turnover was so high that in the last 2 years  I was receiving therapy  (or trying to) I didn't make it past a third appointment with any of them because they had quit or transferred - and I don't blame them, that agency was faulty on so many levels. However, the  agency I'm going to now has therapists certified in EMDR and  I've been wanting to try that for years, so they are going to try to get me with a therapist that specializes in that. 

 Had a surprise visit from J. this afternoon.  I told him I was struggling and could use a "totally non sexual hug" the next time he was in the neighborhood. (He is an ex- so I wanted to be clear)  He made arrangements to leave work early and was here  less than 2 hours after I texted , which I wasn't expecting! It was a great surprise, despite the fact that I was on the phone and missed the text that he was on his way so I answered the door a mess - no makeup, bags under my eyes, etc.  Because of the way he has always treated me, I don't feel self-conscious with me. We've reconnected recently and I have really enjoyed the conversations, his insight and his hugs. He "gets" me;  he can look at my face and read my mind so well. I think I do the same; I "get" him - we are both  complicated, multi-faceted, and natural chameleons. He not only knows how to give me what I need emotionally - but actually WANTS to! 

Jennifer Aniston knows what I mean:

   He has a very comforting and nurturing energy. I opened the door and as soon as he saw the look in my eyes, his face collapsed in sadness and he gave me a big hug. It's difficult for me to cry in front of others. I can discuss most of the horrific things that happened to me without even tearing up, usually. Every once in awhile a tear or two will fall in the company of a select few close friends, but silently...We came in, I sat on the couch and he sat in my wheelchair. He has many gifts and one of them is with silence. When he looks at me I see  the power of  honesty, unconditional love  and support in his eyes; it made it ok to let the wall down and the tears came rushing forth. A phrase I heard recently from S. that really applies - he is really good at "holding the (emotional) space for me" - so that I can then experience whatever it is I'm going through. 

 He knelt in front of the couch and hugged me, ( the rest of the couch was covered in paperwork) comforted me, held me and let me cry on his shoulder for quite awhile, which I really needed. In previous conversations he has told me how much he cares for me or how special I am to him but today he looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me, cherished me and would do anything for me.  I don't think I believe the last part, but appreciate the sentiment. He  still calls me "love" or "love bug"...*sigh* 

It's been about  six or seven years since we dated and we've both changed a lot. He said today that I know him better than anyone, because I've known him through  many stages of spiritual growth. He said he feels he is about to go through another spiritual shift and he's going out of the country next week to a place that he said has always been a clarity catalyst and has changed his life every time. I'm curious to know what clarity it brings him this time - I love watching people (myself included!) uncover the truths they have always known, but forgotten. My afternoon left me in the mood for a romantic comedy,  tonight's selection - "Hitch".